


Crossing the Line

by soulofme



Category: GOT7
Genre: Adolescent Sexuality, Alternate Universe - High School, Coming of Age, M/M, Mentioned Wu Yi Fan | Kris, Pining Mark Tuan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-07-30 13:27:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20097940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soulofme/pseuds/soulofme
Summary: Mark ends up getting more than he bargained for when he gets paired with Im Jaebum—the boy he happens to have a crush on—for their senior project.





	Crossing the Line

“Don’t salt the fries,” Jackson called from the general direction of the drive-thru. “The McBitch will kill us.”

Beside Mark, Bambam snorted out a laugh he quickly disguised as a cough. The customer in front of him was unperturbed, continuing to prattle off his order as he attempted to quiet the fussing infant on his hip.

Mark bit the inside of his cheek and returned to his task of cleaning up. A door slammed somewhere behind him, and he barely caught the dark form of Im Jaebum disappearing through it before it shut.

“Jesus,” Jackson muttered, removing his headset for the night. “He’s such an asshole.”

Bambam hummed softly, sliding over a drink cup to the customer. Jackson deposited a bag filled with burgers onto the counter before he grabbed a container and filled it with fries.

Mark forced his gaze away from the door, focusing on sweeping up the crumbs and stray pieces of lettuce that littered the floor.

“You’ll never believe what I heard,” Bambam chirped once the last customer finally walked away. He boosted himself to sit up on the counter, long legs swinging as he grinned down at them.

“I really don’t want to hear about you and Chaeyoung again,” Jackson groaned, dramatically dropping his head back. Bambam blanched, eyes wide with shock.

“It’s not about that!” he hissed, and Mark allowed himself to smile softly at that. “It’s about _Jaebum-hyung_.”

Bambam shuddered as he said the name, wrapping his arms around himself as if he suddenly got the chills. Jackson’s eyebrows quirked up as he leaned towards Bambam, frantically gesturing for him to speak.

“I don’t know how true it is,” Bambam began, shrugging as he picked at his nails. “But somebody said there’s a video of him kissing a guy going around.”

Mark blinked slowly, taking in the information while Jackson’s eyes practically bugged out of his head.

“He’s _gay_?” Jackson said, scratching the back of his head. “Really?”

“That doesn’t make him gay,” Mark spoke up, flushing when Bambam and Jackson both whipped their heads towards him.

“It could,” Jackson insisted.

“Why does it matter, anyway?” Mark said, setting aside the broom. His skin felt all prickly, the way it usually did when he was uncomfortable. “It’s his life, right?”

“People will talk,” Bambam said.

“People will talk about anything,” Mark pointed out.

Bambam shrugged again. The conversation began to die off after that, so Mark went into the break room to collect his jacket before clocking out. Jackson and Bambam were still cracking jokes in the kitchen when he returned.

“I’m heading out,” he called, holding a hand up in parting.

“See ya!” Jackson said, waving rapidly while Bambam just smiled.

Mark slipped his jacket on and walked out of the employee exit. It was midnight now, and the sky looked like black ink spilling across a canvas. The cool breeze nipped at any exposed skin Mark had, causing him to rush to slide his hands into his pockets.

He walked over to the bike rack and collected his bike after unchaining it. It was then that he spotted Jaebum sitting on the roof of his car, headphones on and glaring off at something in the distance.

Mark didn’t mean to stare, not really, but he found it was nearly impossible to tear his eyes away. Bambam’s earlier words echoed in his mind, and he found himself pondering the possibility of it. He tried to imagine Jaebum with a nameless face, but quickly stopped himself when the other party began to look suspiciously like himself.

Adolescence was difficult. There were raging hormones and the ever-crushing realization that whatever you did now was setting the path for the rest of your life. There was always some kind of crisis, and for Mark that manifested into questioning who he was.

Sexuality was a foreign concept for him. He’d had fleeting crushes in the past, mostly on girls, but when the occasional boy arose, Mark didn’t try too hard to understand it. There were people who thought such a thing was immoral, so he kept his feelings to himself. If he ignored it, he could pretend that he was _normal_. Whatever the hell that meant.

But Mark had never acted on said crushes, and it was why he was seventeen and the only one of his friends to never have been kissed or been in a relationship. Jackson had kissed a girl when he was twelve, back when he lived in Hong Kong, far before he knew Bambam or Mark. And Bambam was dating the class president Chaeyoung.

And Mark maybe, kind of, had a crush on Im Jaebum. He hadn’t explored it much, hadn’t dug deep and wondered if it was merely a physical attraction or not.

He didn’t realize he’d been staring at Jaebum so long until he heard the clearing of a throat.

“What?” Jaebum snapped, voice cutting through the silence of the night like a knife.

Mark’s chest felt tight as he flushed.

“Sorry,” he stammered out.

Jaebum glared at him for a few more moments before he finally looked away, shaking his head. Mark hurried to get on his bike, pedaling hard, hoping he could somehow escape his own relentless embarrassment.

His sister Jess was awake when Mark burst through the door, red-face and panting. He attempted to control his breathing when she arched a delicate eyebrow at him, hunched over as she painted her nails.

Mark lingered in the doorway, breathing in the strong scent of nail polish as he and his sister exchanged looks without a single word. There wasn’t a lot that they said to each other. Not since the accident.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey,” Mark echoed. Jess looked at him for a few more seconds before she turned back to her earlier task.

Mark avoided looking at the family portrait hanging beside him as he crept down the hall to his room. Even then, he swore he could taste blood, hear the crunch of metal in his ears. He shut his eyes, placing his hands over his ears, and pressed his back against the nearest wall. He could faintly hear Jess’s drama from where he stood, and he clung to the sound like a lifeline.

When Mark arrived at school, he was surprised to see Jackson’s seat was vacant. Glancing over at Bambam’s seat and finding it equally as empty, Mark’s surprise melted away. They had probably cut class again and didn’t ask Mark because he was too much of a “good boy”.

He’d have to somehow survive the day without his friends, it seemed. No one bothered him, usually because he kept to himself. He settled into his seat and pulled out his notebook and pencils, arranging them in a neat line on his desk.

Movement in the corner of his eye caused him to look up, and he regretted it as soon as he had. Jaebum was dropping himself into his seat, arms crossed over his chest, backpack on the ground by his feet. When he looked in Mark’s general direction, Mark ducked his head in a way that was probably disgustingly obvious.

Ms. Kim entered the room shortly afterwards and clapped her hands to get the class’s attention. The soft sounds of idle chatter slowly died away, and she smiled when she was met with silence.

“Good morning,” she said, pausing to wait for a response. “Today’s the day I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for.”

Mark’s heart sunk down into his stomach. He’d forgotten all about the project Ms. Kim had announced last week. It was simple, really. They would work in pairs and explore the city around them, writing about the places that were special to them. The point was that Ms. Kim knew they would all go off to different corners of the country. Some kids were even attending college overseas the next fall. She wanted them to appreciate the world around them before it completely changed forever.

Mark hadn’t worried about it. He figured he’d partner with Jackson, and Bambam would choose Yugyeom. But neither were here, and Mark didn’t know Yugyeom well enough to be able to bond over their little town.

He fiddled with a pencil on his desk, half-listening as Ms. Kim explained the project again and the expectations she had for each of them. When she finished, she allowed everyone to choose their partner and sit with them so that she could write the pairs down.

Mark was glued to his seat, staring determinedly at his hands. Panic rose in his chest, his stomach lurching dangerously. A negative of keeping to himself, he realized, was that if his two friends were absent, he was basically screwed.

“Mark?”

He jumped when Ms. Kim knelt by his desk. Her friendly smile turned into something more amused.

“I noticed you don’t have a partner yet,” she said. She glanced over her shoulder at the rest of the room. “Jaebum looks like he doesn’t have one either.”

She wouldn’t force him to work with him, Mark knew. If he said he planned to pair with Jackson when he returned, he was sure she’d be fine with it. But then he noticed that Yugyeom was working with Jinyoung, which meant Bambam would be alone.

“I guess,” Mark answered, realizing that he didn’t exactly have a choice at the moment. He couldn’t help but to curse Jackson and Bambam as he made his way to the other side of the classroom.

Im Jaebum was probably the most intimidating person Mark had ever encountered. Every icy glare he sent towards someone was undoubtedly capable of freezing over hell. When Mark sat in the seat in front of him, he looked less than pleased.

“Alright, does everyone have a partner?” she asked. A chorus of yes’s rang out into the room.

Ms. Kim began to call out the names, and Mark felt himself shrink down into his seat. He wished he was invisible when Ms. Kim called out his name and the entire class turned to look at him.

“Mark Tuan and Im Jaebum,” she said, nodding to herself as she wrote their names down.

Mark wanted to vomit, especially once the snickers started up. His face felt horribly warm and he absolutely refused to turn around and face Jaebum.

After class, Jaebum stormed out of the room. Mark hurried to catch up with him.

“Jaebum!”

Saying the name out loud felt so strange. A few heads turned to look his way, but Jaebum himself didn’t bother. He did stop in his tracks, though, so Mark gripped onto the straps of his backpack and forced his feet forward.

“Uh,” Mark began intelligently. He was unsurprised by the way Jaebum rolled his eyes. “I only moved to Korea a year ago. I still don’t really know much about the area.”

Jaebum stared him down for a long, long moment.

“Okay,” he said simply. “I’ll find the places. You write the shit down.”

Mark blinked. “Shouldn’t we work on it together?”

“I really don’t give a fuck about this project,” Jaebum said, raising his eyebrows. “Do _you_?”

Mark did, in the sense that he wanted to get a good grade, but he didn’t really understand the purpose of it.

“I—kinda,” he said, hating himself for stammering over his words.

“Cool,” Jaebum said, clearly unimpressed. He turned around and Mark felt his heart fly up into his throat.

“Wait!” Jaebum did, although he looked considerably more annoyed. “I’m Mark, by the way.”

Jaebum scoffed.

“I know,” he said, leaving Mark too shocked to respond as he walked away.

Later, at work, Mark made sure to give Jackson and Bambam the nastiest glare he could. Jackson groaned, throwing his head back, grasping onto Mark’s bicep with both of his hands.

“_Hyung_,” he whined, shaking him as if that would make Mark magically forgive him. “I forgot, okay? I woke up today _exhausted_, you know, and there was no way I was gonna go to _school_!”

“Stop playing so much Overwatch, then,” Mark snapped, wiggling out of Jackson’s iron-like grip. “It’s not my fault you don’t have any self-control.”

He looked at Bambam then, who looked similarly guilty.

“And _you_,” Mark said, gesturing in Bambam’s general direction. “Stop encouraging him.”

“Yes, hyung,” Bambam chirped, causing Mark to roll his eyes. “So.”

“So what?” Mark muttered, restacking the fry boxes. Bambam waved his hands about wildly.

“Are you really working with _you know who_?”

“Yes, Bambam. I’m really working with Im Jaebum.”

“Don’t say his name!” Jackson squealed, rushing to cover Mark’s mouth. “He’s like, Bloody Mary or something. Say his name and you’ll summon him and shit.”

Mark rolled his eyes and shoved Jackson off. _Again_.

“I told him I moved here last year, and he said he’d find the places,” Mark said. “I just have to write about them.”

“How generous of him,” Bambam drawled. He squawked when Mark pinched his side. “Are you _sure_ you can’t switch partners or something? Ms. Kim probably wouldn’t care.”

“Well, if you, I don’t know, _showed up to class_, this wouldn’t even be a problem.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jackson said, waving a dismissive hand in Mark’s direction. “You’re just salty you got paired with the biggest McAsshole ever.”

“Still not funny,” Mark grumbled as Bambam downright cackled beside him.

He sobered up, though, when the employee entrance door opened and Jaebum walked in. He had headphones on and barely glanced at the three of them before he disappeared into the break room.

“See?” Jackson hissed. “_Bloody Mary_.”

Mark’s shift went by just like all the shifts before it. He and Bambam took orders, Jackson attempted to crack jokes from the drive-thru window, and their manager checked up on them every once in a while. At the end of the night, Mark felt the usual exhaustion seeping into his bones.

“Hey.”

Jackson choked on his own saliva while Bambam thumped his back. Mark ground his teeth and put his back to his friends, trying his absolute best to ignore them. Jaebum arched a cool eyebrow at them before turning his attention to Mark.

“I’m going to check out one of the places today,” Jaebum said. “Gimme your number so I can text you the info.”

Mark mind went blank for one horrendously long second. And when it finally came back online, he wished it hadn’t.

“I’ll just go with you.”

He wasn’t sure where this burst of confidence came from, but he was ready to shove it back into the metaphorical box it belonged in. Jaebum’s eyebrows rose higher and Mark quite literally wanted to die.

“I mean,” he rushed to say, painfully aware of how Bambam and Jackson were gawking at them instead of cleaning up. “We both have to work on it. It wouldn’t be fair if you did everything.”

Jaebum narrowed his eyes slightly before he shrugged.

“Whatever,” he said, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. “I’ll be waiting outside.”

Thankfully, Jackson waited until Jaebum was gone before he opened his big, fat mouth.

“So…should I plan the funeral arrangements?” he asked. Bambam sighed heavily beside him.

“I’ll inform Jess,” he said, squeezing Mark’s shoulder. “It’s been an honor, hyung.”

“Shut up,” Mark growled, shaking him off and stalking to the break room. He swore he could hear Jackson’s hyena laugh trailing after him.

When Mark stepped outside, he felt like his knees were made out of jelly. Jaebum, true to his word, was waiting by his car. Mark took tiny steps towards it, stopping when he was barely a foot away. It was a beat-up Sonata, with chipping silver paint. Mark wasn’t about to judge it, though. He didn’t even have his license.

“Let’s go,” Jaebum said impatiently, and Mark rushed to open the door and sit in his seat.

The ride was excruciatingly quiet. Jaebum didn’t turn on the radio, and Mark wasn’t brave enough to reach over and do it himself. He played with his fingers instead, thinking of everything and absolutely nothing at the same time.

“So, where exactly are we going?”

His question seemed too loud even though he was barely speaking above a whisper.

“Somewhere,” Jaebum answered gruffly.

Mark didn’t attempt to make conversation with him again.

Jaebum finally turned onto a narrow street and parked beneath a streetlamp. He unbuckled himself and got out without a warning, so Mark scrambled to catch up with him. They ended up walking into a tiny restaurant, if it could even be called that. If Mark hadn’t been looking for it, he was sure he would’ve walked right past.

Jaebum opened the door and stepped in. Mark breathed in the warm scent of hot food, something with pepper and garlic, and ignored the frustrated grumble of his stomach.

He lingered by the doorway, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket as he watched Jaebum walk around the counter to the kitchen. He looked comfortable here, like this was a place he frequented, and Mark found himself wondering why it was special to him.

Jaebum reappeared after a moment, scowling slightly. Mark shifted on his feet.

“So,” he began slowly. “This is the first place?”

“Problem?” Jaebum asked, dark eyes glinting with _something_. Mark shook his head.

“No, no problem,” he said, holding his hands up defensively.

Jaebum opened his mouth to say something else but was cut off by a shriek behind them.

“Jaebum-ah!” A short woman stood at the entrance to the kitchen, her face soft and rounded. There were dark circles under her eyes, though, her exhaustion showing even though she smiled at them. “You didn’t tell me you brought a friend.”

“Mom,” Jaebum hissed, and everything suddenly made sense to Mark.

“Oh, you’re so skinny!” Jaebum’s mom cried, fussing over him while Mark peered desperately over her shoulder at Jaebum. His jaw dropped when Jaebum smirked and shrugged as if to say _you’re on your own, buddy_. “Are you hungry? Did you two just come from work? Oh my, it’s so late! They really shouldn’t keep you young kids for so long—”

“_Mom_!”

“Hey, Im Jaebum, don’t be rude,” Ms. Im said, flapping her hand. She looked up at Mark with bright eyes. “What’s your name?”

“Mark,” he said slowly.

“Mark,” she repeated, only slightly struggling with the name. “Where are you from?”

Mark laughed softly. “That obvious, huh?”

Ms. Im laughed too.

“There aren’t a lot of Mark’s running around here. So?”

“America,” Mark said, watching as Jaebum looked at him with thinly veiled interest. “California, actually. I moved here last year.”

“Wow,” Ms. Im said, clearly impressed. “What brought you to Korea?”

Mark swallowed hard, feeling himself begin to sweat. Ms. Im’s friendly smile made him feel like he was suffocating. His mind scrambled to think of words, but it was like his brain had decided to permanently shut off. He floundered for a few seconds, mildly panicked, pointedly ignoring the way Jaebum frowned at him.

“Just, uh, a change of scenery,” he finally managed to get out.

“Ah, I wish I could see California,” Ms. Im said dreamily, seemingly unaware of his internal struggle. “I’d love to travel, you see, but this one is no fun.”

“Ugh, Mom,” Jaebum said yet again, causing Mark to smile faintly. The stony expression he got in return, though, made his smile fade just as quickly as it had come.

“You two have a seat,” Ms. Im said. “I’ll get you some soup.”

She ushered them to an empty table and made sure they were settled before she disappeared into the kitchen. Jaebum picked at the flaking paint on the table.

“Sorry,” he said.

“It’s cool,” Mark said. “She’s…”

“A lot?”

“I was going to say nice,” Mark answered.

Jaebum shrugged and Mark took a moment to observe his surroundings. There was a homey feel to the place, like he was seated in his grandmother’s kitchen instead of a restaurant. Not that Mark would know what that entailed. His grandmother died long before he was born. But if she hadn’t, Mark figured this is what it would’ve been like.

“My mom opened this place,” Jaebum said then. “She wanted something bigger. But sometimes shit doesn’t work out.”

“At least she went for it,” Mark said. Jaebum furrowed his eyebrows at him and Mark hesitated before he continued. “Some people don’t. She took a chance and it paid off.”

“Yeah. Sure,” Jaebum said shortly. Mark could feel himself physically withering away.

Ms. Im returned then with two steaming bowls of seaweed soup. She gave them a bowl of warm rice each and pulled up a chair to sit with them. Jaebum ducked his head, shoveling a spoonful of rice into his mouth.

“What brings you two here?” she asked curiously.

“It’s for our senior project,” Mark spoke up, freezing when Jaebum glowered at him over his soup. “We, um, are supposed to go around town and find places that have meaning to us.”

“Ah,” Ms. Im said, nodding to herself. “It’s important to have pride about where you’re from. It’s part of who you are.”

“Mark’s not from here, though,” Jaebum pointed out lowly. Ms. Im rolled her eyes skywards.

“And? You are. Show him was makes this town so special to you. That’s the point of this project, isn’t? Maybe Mark will find a place of his own.”

A place of his own. It sounded awfully like finding a place to _belong_, and Mark wasn’t sure he deserved that. Not now. Not ever.

He must’ve pulled a face, because Ms. Im instantly began fretting over him.

“Is there too much garlic?” she asked anxiously.

Mark blinked, shaking his head. “Huh? No. It’s…perfect.”

“Ah, good,” she said, relaxing. “Well, I’ll finish up in the kitchen. You two enjoy.”

She smiled, returning her chair to the table next to them. Mark slowly took another spoonful of soup, pretending that he couldn’t feel Jaebum’s eyes boring into his own.

“Does it bother you?”

“What?” Mark asked, almost choking on his rice. Jaebum’s expression looked almost constipated, but Mark didn’t dare to point that out. He liked all of his limbs attached to his body, _thank you very much_.

Jaebum smiled, but there wasn’t anything pleasant about it. It was bone-chilling, the kind of smile Mark had seen actors on television wear before they stabbed their poor, unsuspecting victims to death.

“Does it bother you that I fuck _boys_?” Jaebum said then, and Mark coughed in surprised as the crass words rolled off his tongue.

_Ah. So Bambam was right._

“N-No,” Mark said. Jaebum narrowed his eyes. “Seriously. It’s your life. Love who you want and all that.”

“It bothers most people,” Jaebum said simply.

“Well, I guess I’m not most people.”

He wanted to kick himself as soon as he said the words. He opened his mouth to say something, _anything_, to distract Jaebum, but stopped when he saw the expression on his face. For once, he didn’t look pissed. He looked almost relieved, and Mark felt his stomach clench with sympathy. He’d seen how their classmates treated Jaebum. Nobody said anything to him, not to his face at least, but ostracizing him wasn’t much better.

“Really,” Jaebum drawled, and Mark sat straight up in his seat.

“We’re partners, right?” Mark said, nodding to himself. “Partners stick together.”

He felt like he was being too honest, somehow, as if he was baring all of his scars to Jaebum. Jaebum, who didn’t say anything, and just stared at Mark like he was a mystery to solved. Mark didn’t purposely try to make himself difficult to figure out. His problem was that he didn’t voice his concerns, choosing instead to suffer silently. Jackson and Bambam always got on his case about it. Jess, too, when it got bad enough that he burst the happy little bubble she liked to put herself in.

They finished their meal in silence. Ms. Im walked them to the door, but she pulled Mark back by the elbow before he could follow Jaebum outside.

“He doesn’t have many friends,” she said, voice quiet, eyebrows creased with worry. “Not since…well, not for a while. He’s a good kid, but he’s scared of trusting others.”

“I—”

“I might be asking too much, but take care of him,” she continued, her eyes soft as she folded Mark’s hand into her own. “It’s just the two of us. He needs someone his age he can relate to.”

It was like the entire weight of the world was on Mark’s shoulders then. He didn’t know how to explain that he and Jaebum didn’t really have much of a friendship. They were co-workers and classmates, and that was about it. This project happened to be an unfortunate circumstance. It wouldn’t mean anything to either of them when it was over. Mark was sure of that.

But the way Ms. Im looked at him, with wide, imploring eyes, made him keep his mouth shut.

“Okay,” he agreed, alarm bells going off in his head.

“Thank you,” she sighed, before she brought his head down to press a kiss to his cheek. “Get home safe, Mark-ah.”

“I will,” he said, nodding before he forced himself out of the restaurant.

Jaebum didn’t ask him what the hold-up was when Mark finally got to the car, and for that he was endlessly grateful. He muttered out his address when Jaebum asked and sat in the car for a moment when they pulled up in front of his house.

“I,” Mark began, but he didn’t know what else he wanted to say. His mind went blank, so he cleared his throat and tried again. “I’ll see you later.”

He got out and slammed the door, not sticking around to hear Jaebum’s response. As he pushed open the front gate, he could hear Jaebum driving off.

When he unlocked his door, he wasn’t expecting to be met with the sight of someone’s back. The figure turned, lips pursed in a silent question of _now, just where were **you**?_

Mark bit back a sigh and toed off his shoes.

“You’re home late,” Junmyeon pointed out, running a critical eye over Mark.

“I was at work,” Mark replied, which wasn’t a total lie. He rubbed at his arms, suddenly chilled to the bone. “Where’s Jess?”

“She went out.”

“So why are _you_ here?”

He sounded like a brat, but Junmyeon just smiled at him. It was infuriating, and Mark felt like his skin was crawling. Junmyeon had seen the worst of him growing up. Mark figured it came with the territory of being his brother’s best friend.

“I wanted to see how you were doing.”

“I’m fine, hyung,” Mark said. Junmyeon frowned then.

“Jess said you stopped taking your meds.”

“I don’t need them.”

“There’s no shame in it, you know?” Junmyeon pointed out. “People need different things to cope.”

“I already coped with…with it, okay?” Mark said, feeling like he going to explode the longer he talked to Junmyeon.

Junmyeon raised an eyebrow, and Mark wished he didn’t know him well enough to realize what that look meant.

“Markie,” he said softly, reaching for him. Mark jerked away from him like he’d been burned. “I want to help you, okay?”

Markie. The nickname echoed in his head, over and over, but suddenly it wasn’t Junmyeon saying it. Mark saw blond hair and sharp eyes, a big nose he liked to poke fun at. Laughter, teasing jokes, kicks under the table when they thought no one was looking. There was a boy then, watching as his mother fed baby Mark, peering over her shoulder at him. _I’m gonna take care of you, Markie_, the boy said proudly.

The nausea swelled in his gut like a tidal wave, and Mark was hunched over the toilet before he could blink. He gagged hard enough to bring tears to his eyes, but despite that his dinner didn’t appear too keen on making a reappearance. He sank to his knees, head throbbing, and when Junmyeon tugged him back into his chest, he fell like a puppet that had its strings cut.

He allowed himself to cry. It didn’t feel good, not even a little bit. He let Junmyeon card his fingers through his hair and wrap his arms around his middle, pressing his nose to his scalp.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Junmyeon murmured, and Mark instantly wanted to correct him.

It wasn’t okay. Nothing was going to be okay, not again, and that was exactly what his mother had screamed at him. In their little beach house, with the waves crashing against the shore, with the sand scraping his feet hard enough to hurt. He didn’t remember what he’d said, or if he’d even said anything at all.

He remembered Jess, though. Her hair had been dyed fire-engine red then, and Mark had thought it made her anger seem so much worse than it was. She’d dragged him off to her room, made him sit with her while she made a few calls.

The next week they were flying out to Korea. He always thought there was something wrong with him because he kept thinking about how much he’d miss the beach instead of his mother, crying on the porch, face buried in her hands.

He squirmed out of Junmyeon’s arms when his chest felt so tight he thought it just might burst. Junmyeon let him go, and Mark splashed cold water on his face at the sink so he wouldn’t have to look at the expression on his face, whatever it may be.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“That’s not gonna change anything,” Mark said, sniffling. He inspected himself closely in the mirror and winced when his own bloodshot eyes stared back at him.

“It doesn’t have to change anything,” Junmyeon answered, calm as always. For a brief second, Mark wondered why he wasn’t angry. Why he wasn’t exploding like his mother had, or in disbelief like Jess was. Why he was fine, as if everything was perfectly okay.

It made him sick. And maybe jealous, beneath that. Mark scrubbed the moisture off his face and flicked the tap off. Without the water gushing into the basin, the house was quiet. Too quiet. It was the kind of quiet that allowed him to think, but Mark didn’t want that. He didn’t want to think about a goddamn thing.

“Where’d Jess go, again?”

“I think she had a date,” Junmyeon said. “Want me to call her?”

Mark didn’t answer, just watched as Junmyeon nodded to himself and dug his phone out of his pocket. He left the room to make the call, so Mark shut the door and rested his forehead against it. Locked it for good measure, too, and squeezed his eyes shut.

“She’ll be here in ten minutes,” Junmyeon called from the other side. He didn’t try to open the door. “I’m gonna head out.”

“Okay,” Mark said, and that was it. He listened to Junmyeon’s footsteps as he disappeared down the hall and sucked in a much-needed breath.

He didn’t remember dozing off, but when he opened his eyes next there was something banging on the door. Mark hurried to unlock it, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes while Jess looked him up and down.

“Junmyeon was here,” he said. Jess frowned.

“I know,” she said, easily catching him when he fell forward. “C’mon, baby.”

She called him that when things got really bad, when he was so swallowed up in his own emotions that he couldn’t think straight. She was seven when he was born. Jess said that’d always make him a baby in her eyes. He was the youngest of them, too, something that his brother—

“Don’t push him away,” Jess said then, breaking his train of thought. She was leading him to his room. “He’s trying to help.”

Help. Mark didn’t know how to say he didn’t need it, so he just didn’t say anything at all.

His knees felt weak and he all but collapsed onto the bed. Still dressed in his work uniform, the smell of grease made him feel queasy all over again. Jess didn’t say anything, just kicked off her shoes and squeezed herself in behind him.

He noticed for the first time that she was wearing a dress. Short, by most standards, but it showed off the legs she always bragged were her best asset.

“How’d the date go?” Mark asked, closing his eyes again. He was so, so tired.

“He had enough baggage for the both of us,” she answered. “Thanks for bailing me out.”

“Yeah,” he said softly.

He heard Jess shift and bit back a sob when her fingers curled into his hair. She smelled like too much perfume and a hint of red wine, but beneath that was the usual sense of safety she gave him. She could’ve left him behind in America, could’ve gone off to Korea all by herself. But she hadn’t, because she thought Mark deserved another chance.

“You should’ve left me behind,” he said, and felt Jess’s hands stop their soothing movements.

“I wouldn’t have,” she said fiercely, and Mark twisted to shove his face into the pillow. “I _won’t_.”

A beat of silence. And then: “He’d never forgive me if I did.”

“He’s dead,” Mark said, and saying it out loud felt so strange. “He wouldn’t care.”

Jess inhaled sharply. “Is that what you really think?”

_No_, Mark thought. Didn’t say it, though, and felt Jess begin to pet his head again.

“Go to sleep, baby,” she whispered into his shoulder. “We’ll talk in the morning.”

They didn’t talk in the morning. Jess left early for work and Mark was late to wake up for school. He didn’t even realize he was until he heard Jackson yelling at him from the gate.

“HYUNG!” Jackson screeched like a goddamn pterodactyl.

Mark pinched the bridge of his nose and grabbed his bag before he left the house.

“I called you, like, a hundred times,” Jackson whined when Mark was close enough to punch his shoulder.

“I heard,” Mark responded dryly.

“Sooo,” Bambam drawled from his other side, digging one skinny finger into his side. “How’d the project go with McAsshole?”

“Jaebum,” Mark corrected, and Bambam rolled his eyes as if he couldn’t be bothered to get his name right. “And it was, fine? Yeah. Fine.”

“Really?” Jackson asked skeptically, peering at Mark through narrowed eyes. “He didn’t try to murder you in the woods or anything?”

“No, he—” _Took me to see his mother’s restaurant._ It felt too personal to say out loud, like something Mark would rather lock up and keep to himself. “He didn’t.”

Bambam looked like he was about to ask something, but eventually settled for shrugging and looping his arm around Mark’s.

“Well, at least you’re alive hyung,” he said brightly.

The walk to school was peppered with Jackson’s jokes and Bambam’s interjections of whatever hot gossip he’d heard about recently. They didn’t have work today, and a part of Mark felt guilty for being glad they didn’t. He always felt particularly moody after an emotional day, especially like last night, and usually chose to spend time by himself to recover.

When they got to class, Jackson and Bambam were still talking a mile a minute. They stopped suddenly though, and Bambam swatted at Mark’s shoulder.

“Mark-hyung,” he squeaked, “_he’s here_.”

“He’s in our class,” Mark said, rolling his eyes. He didn’t need to look to know Bambam was talking about Jaebum. “Of course he’s going to be here.”

“Yeah, but he’s like, trying to melt you with his eyes or something,” Jackson piped up. “Oh, never mind. He’s looking at _me_. Wait. That’s not any better!”

“Stop staring, idiot,” Mark hissed, shoving at Jackson’s arm.

He turned his head slightly, glancing over his own shoulder at Jaebum. He was leaning back in his seat, hands folded behind his head, feet thrown up onto his desk. He raised an eyebrow when he caught Mark’s eye.

Mark whirled around and pressed his hands together. He felt heat crawl up the back of his neck and wished that the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

The school day seemed to crawl by. Jackson and Bambam wanted to go to a new internet café that opened up after class, and were practically begging Mark to join them.

“I can’t,” he lied. “I have stuff to do.”

“Im Jaebum stuff?” Bambam asked, and Mark sighed.

“No. Not that,” he said. “Some other time, okay? You guys have fun.”

He waved at them and walked away before either of them could protest. It was colder than usual today, and small snowflakes fell down from the sky. Mark traced one’s path with his eyes but stopped when he saw Jaebum waiting for the bus.

He was in one corner of the stop, while a few of their classmates were huddled on the other side. Every so often, the group of girls would glance at him and giggle before whispering among themselves.

Mark wasn’t sure what propelled him forward, but suddenly he was standing next to Jaebum. He exhaled softly, watching as his breath turned into a small, grey cloud.

“You don’t take the bus,” Jaebum said. He wasn’t looking at Mark, his eyes fixed on a car parked across the street.

“Where’s your car?” Mark asked. Jaebum didn’t answer, though. Mark dug the toe of his sneaker into a crack in the sidewalk. “Hey. About yesterday. Thanks.”

“What the hell are you thanking me for?” Jaebum looked beyond bewildered. Mark licked his dry lips.

“Your mom’s restaurant is special to you, right?” Mark waited for Jaebum’s slow nod before he continued. “So, thank you for showing it to me.”

Jaebum’s eyebrows crinkled before he turned away from Mark again. Mark jumped when his wrist was suddenly clasped in Jaebum’s hand. His skin was rough, but more than that, freezing cold. He watched with rapt attention as Jaebum scribbled a line of numbers on the inside of Mark’s wrist.

“For the project,” Jaebum said gruffly. The bus arrived then, and he boarded it without once looking back at Mark.

Mark felt like he was in a daze as he walked home. He swore his wrist was burning, but that was probably only because he had _Im Jaebum’s_ number inked onto it. He was staring at it when he flopped onto the couch, phone digging into his thigh.

He should just get it over it. Mark knew if he left it to later, he’d never get it done. Their project would suffer as a result of his own cowardice, and that wasn’t exactly something he wanted on his conscience.

His fingers shook as he typed in Jaebum’s number, and then a short message.

-_hey, it’s mark_

Nothing crazy. He pressed send and tossed his phone down by his feet, covering his face with his hands. His phone vibrated and he swore he felt his heart stop. He was almost ashamed of how quickly he scooped it up, his eyes roving over the message.

-**_thanks_**

Thanks. Im Jaebum said _thanks_. It shouldn’t have made Mark feel as lightheaded as it did, but he couldn’t help it. Jaebum was intimidating and there was definitely a part of Mark that was terrified of him, but somewhere between all that, Mark still had an itty bitty crush on him. He’d be lying if he said he never imagined getting Jaebum’s number and somehow striking up a friendship with him that ended up with Jaebum completely falling in love with him.

It was highly improbable, considering his past track record—or lack thereof—but Mark’s fantasies weren’t usually logical.

The thought that he was completely screwed occurred to him then, and Mark wished he could ignore it. But there it was, like an itch that couldn’t be scratched, taunting him. Jaebum wouldn’t want him. No one in their right mind would, and it would be best if Mark accepted that and moved on.

But he couldn’t. Because there was _something_ about Jaebum. He couldn’t pinpoint it even if he tried, but it made Mark want to understand him. He wanted to peel back all of Jaebum’s layers, see what was beneath the mask he put on when around their classmates.

He wanted to know who Im Jaebum really was.

Ms. Im’s words echoed in his head. He’d promised, her, hadn’t he? Maybe he shouldn’t have. Maybe he should’ve told her that he’d do nothing but ruin her son’s life because that’s all he knew how to do. If she knew about his past, she’d hate him.

He was sure Jaebum would too.

Mark squinted down the pier, the sunlight reflecting off the water making it difficult to see. Jaebum was sitting on the ground beside him, leaning back on his hands.

It was Saturday, and Mark had been surprised to see he had one message from Jaebum waiting for him in his inbox.

-**_be ready in an hour_**

It was a simple set of directions, and Mark thought for a moment that he might be messing around. But then Jaebum showed up at his house exactly an hour later when Mark was toweling his hair dry.

Jess had looked over at him curiously from where she was nursing her morning coffee in the living room. Mark didn’t give her a chance to ask before he shoved himself into his coat and stood out on the porch.

“Well?” he asked, water dripping down into his eyes.

Jaebum scowled. “You’re gonna get sick, moron.”

Mark brushed his wet bangs out of his eyes and tugged his hood up to cover his head. His teeth were already chattering. Jaebum scoffed and threw Mark his gloves before leading him to his car.

Which lead them to now. Now being Mark staring at the water, wondering if it was possible for his nose to freeze and fall off.

“Do you like the beach?” Mark asked, shifting his weight from foot to foot in an attempt to generate some kind of warmth.

“Not any more than most people,” Jaebum responded.

“Then why—”

“It’s not about the place, it’s about—” There was a frustrated groan as Jaebum cut himself off. “Forget it. This is place number two. Take notes or whatever the fuck it is you need to do.”

Mark swallowed. “Sorry. For not really knowing any places. Kinda makes this project harder for both of us, huh?”

“Not your fault you moved,” Jaebum muttered.

Mark almost, almost corrected him. It was tempting. And it would be the truth. He was the reason Jess called in a favor with Junmyeon and moved to Korea with him. He was the reason his mother had screamed at him to leave, and _he_ was the reason his brother—

“It kinda is,” Mark said before he could stop himself. Jaebum squinted up at him.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Mark said hollowly. “Doesn’t matter. Place number two, right? How many do we need again?”

“Five,” Jaebum answered.

“Right. Three more to go,” Mark said, rocking onto his tiptoes.

“You hungry?” Jaebum asked then.

“A little,” Mark said, though he was starving in actuality. He’d been so convinced Jaebum was fucking around with him that he hadn’t even bothered to eat breakfast.

“There’s a seafood place nearby,” Jaebum said, standing and brushing sand off of his jeans. “C’mon.”

He walked off and Mark followed him, thinking to himself that that was something he was doing a lot of lately. Jaebum chose the path and Mark wandered after him like a loyal lap dog.

He dug his hands deep into his pockets, hunching his shoulders as if that would somehow help with his cold ears. Jaebum’s gloves were thick and warm, but somehow Mark still felt like he was freezing.

The walk to the restaurant was quick, and Mark tried not to make his relieved sigh too obvious when Jaebum opened the door and they were hit with a wave of hot air. He was stamping his feet free of sand when he heard a screech.

There was a blur of dark hair, and suddenly Jaebum was careening dangerously to one side. Mark steadied him with one hand before he realized when he’d done and he yanked his hand back, wondering if it was possible to literally die from embarrassment.

“Jaebum-hyung!” A tiny voice cried.

Mark’s eyes widened as a small smile appeared on Jaebum’s face. He crouched down and lifted the little boy onto his hip, tweaking his button nose to rouse a laugh out of him.

“Hi, Changkyun,” he said, ruffling the kid’s hair.

Changkyun looked over at Mark curiously, his small hands holding onto Jaebum’s shoulder for support as he leaned forward.

“Are you Jaebum-hyung’s boyfriend?” he asked, dark eyes blinking innocently.

“What?” Mark squeaked at the same time Jaebum appeared to choke on his own breath.

“Hey, Kyunnie,” Jaebum said, the bridge of his nose cherry red. “You can’t just say things like that.”

“Okay!” Changkyun chirped easily, wrapping his arms around Jaebum’s neck in a hug.

“Uh,” Jaebum turned to Mark then, hefting Changkyun up higher in his arms. “This is Changkyun. Changkyun, this is Mark.”

“Hi, Mark-hyung,” Changkyun said with a cute little wave.

“Hi,” Mark said, still stuck on the smile that had been on Jaebum’s face. His head was spinning. Was he in some kind of alternate universe or something?

Changkyun beamed at him and opened his mouth to say something else before he was cut off.

“Hey, you! Get over here!”

Changkyun froze, his eyes wide as he squeaked and buried his face into Jaebum’s shoulder. Mark swallowed hard when he noticed how broad they were, even through Jaebum’s puffy jacket. And hey, wow, that was _not_ an appropriate line of thought.

Mark glanced towards the source of the noise. There was a woman there, with long, dark hair and a round, cute face. She was pretty, in an objective way. Jaebum set Changkyun down and the boy instantly made a run for it. The woman easily caught him, though, crouching down to tickle his belly.

“And just where are you going, you little monster?” she asked. She peeked up at Jaebum and stood erect when she noticed Mark. “Oh gosh, sorry. I didn’t realize you brought a friend.”

“I’m not his—”

“He’s not my—”

Mark and Jaebum exchanged a look. Mark tried to offer a smile, but Jaebum just stared before he sighed.

“How are you?” He directed towards the woman.

“Okay,” the woman said, playing with Changkyun’s hair as he stood in front of her, whining to be picked up by Jaebum again. “I’m Nayeon, by the way.”

“She’s my cousin,” Jaebum muttered out of the side of his mouth. “Changkyun’s her son.”

“Ah,” Mark said, nodding to himself. He held his hand out for Nayeon to shake. “I’m Mark. It’s nice to meet you, noona.”

“Ugh, don’t call me that,” she said, shivering. “I’m not even thirty. You’re making me feel icky.”

“Dear god,” Jaebum mumbled. Nayeon turned sharp eyes towards him, her sweet smile suddenly looking quite deadly.

“Don’t start,” Nayeon said. “You guys hungry? I’ll whip something up really quick.”

“Yeah,” Jaebum said, distracted by something.

He sat down at one of the empty tables nearby. Mark gingerly sat in the seat across from him, stripping off his borrowed gloves.

“So,” he said, grinning. “Is your family always gonna feed me or…?”

“Don’t get used to it,” Jaebum snapped. Then, quieter, “Nayeon and Mom are all I have.”

Oh. Mark felt his smile fade.

“Hey, Mark,” Nayeon called, poking her head out from the kitchen. “Do you like shrimp?”

“Uh, yeah. Shrimp’s fine.”

“Awesome!”

Her dark head disappeared again. Mark cleared his throat quietly.

“Is this, uh, place number three?”

“What?” Jaebum wrinkled his nose. “God, no. Nayeon’s a pain in my ass. This is the only decent place by the pier, that’s all.”

“I heard that, you little brat!”

Mark almost joked that maybe Jaebum was biased, considering Nayeon was his cousin, but decided he didn’t have a right to crack any jokes. He kept his comments to himself, watching as Changkyun raced around the restaurant, arms spread out as he pretended to be an airplane.

“Nayeon had him when she was a teenager,” Jaebum said then, voice low. “His dad split. Our family acted like she killed someone. Then I came out, and we were both outcasted.”

“At least you have each other,” Mark said quietly. “Right?”

“My dad liked the pier,” Jaebum said instead of answering. He didn’t say anything else, but Mark felt his breath get stuck in his throat.

_Liked_. Past tense. Meaning that he…

It seemed they both lost people, then. It was an unfortunate thing to have in common, but it was something.

“I used to live by the beach,” Mark said, picking at a loose thread on Jaebum’s gloves, twisting it until it snapped. “Los Angeles. It was…nice.”

“Nice enough to leave behind?”

“It’s complicated,” Mark said.

“Complicated,” Jaebum echoed. “I get that.”

“It’s just me and my sister,” Mark continued. “My parents stayed behind. And my brother…he’s, uh, gone.”

Jaebum blinked. “Shit. Sorry.”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Mark said, feeling like there was a lump in his throat.

“Was that why you moved?” Jaebum asked, and then shook his head. “Fuck, you don’t have to answer that.”

“It’s okay,” Mark said, flashing him a reassuring smile. “Honestly, a little bit.”

He meant a lot, really, but it wasn’t like he was about to admit that. Not when he knew Jaebum’s perception of him—whatever that may be—would undoubtedly change into something far more negative.

“Oh. Sorry, again.”

“No worries.”

“Oh, come on,” Nayeon complained then, suddenly appearing with a plate of grilled shrimp and an array of steamed vegetables. “Please excuse him. Aunt Dami rescued him from a pack of wolves and now we’re all stuck with him.”

“Shut up,” Jaebum said.

“He’s a little sensitive about it,” Nayeon said, cupping a hand over the side of her mouth as if that would somehow muffle her voice.

Mark couldn’t help the laugh that slipped out. The scandalized expression Jaebum shot him made him laugh even harder. Soon enough, Jaebum let out a smile of his own.

Nayeon set the food down and sat down next to them. Unlike Ms. Im, though, she didn’t seem like she was going to get up anytime soon. Mark didn’t mind. He liked her. She was funny, and she and Jaebum seemed close. It was nice to see him smile, for once.

“Soo,” she said, reminding him so much of Bambam that Mark wondered if his friend was somehow here. A quick check of the restaurant told him that no, the place was Bambam-free. “Are you guys classmates?”

“We’re here for a class project,” Jaebum said. “Ms. Kim wants us to explore the town.”

“Ew,” Nayeon said with a cringe, sticking her tongue out. “She’s still on about all that sentimentality crap?”

Jaebum shrugged, seizing a piece of shrimp with his chopsticks.

“Guess so,” he said. He jerked his chin towards Mark. “He just moved here from America last year, so.”

“So, you brought him to my place?” Nayeon said, affecting a high-pitched voice as she held a hand against her heart. “Jaebum-ah, you flatter me too much.”

“Get off it,” Jaebum said, rolling his eyes. “We went to the pier and got hungry. That’s all.”

“Ah,” Nayeon’s smile wavered. “Anyway, I can’t believe she’s still doing that project. She did it when I had her.”

“Yeah, back in 1845,” Jaebum piped up, causing Nayeon to grab a folded-up napkin and whack him with it.

“Can it! I’m in the prime of my youth, Im Jaebum, and you are _not_ about to spoil that for me,” she said, sniffling indignantly. “Ugh, look. Mark probably thinks we’re insane now.”

“No, it’s okay,” Mark hurried to say. “You, uh, actually remind me of my sister.”

Back when life didn’t suck. Back when Mark didn’t hate himself and they were one big, happy family.

“Well,” Nayeon puffed her chest out, clearly swelling with pride. “Think of me as another sister, then. This little shit’s basically my brother anyway.”

She ruffled Jaebum’s hair, who swatted her away before grabbing a clump of cabbage and depositing it in his mouth, chewing grumpily.

“Mama? What’s a little shit?”

“Ah, this kid!” Nayeon whirled around in her seat, reaching down to seize Changkyun and plop him into her lap. “You didn’t hear that, okay?”

“Okay,” Changkyun shrugged. “Ooh, shrimp! Can I have some?”

“That’s not for you, twerp,” Jaebum said, just as Mark grabbed a piece and offered it to Changkyun.

“Blow,” he told him, flushing when he realized both Jaebum and Nayeon were staring at him. “It’s hot.”

“Okay, hyung,” Changkyun said, plucking the shrimp from between Mark’s chopsticks and shoving it into his mouth.

He chewed for a few seconds before he opened his mouth and began huffing.

“Hot, hot!” he screeched.

“He told you,” Jaebum said when Changkyun looked at him as if he’d been betrayed.

They stayed long after they finished their meal. Changkyun pestered Jaebum until he gave in and hoisted him until his shoulders, pretending to be a horse as he galloped around the restaurant. Changkyun shrieked with glee, tiny hands fisted in Jaebum’s hair like he was holding a pair of reins.

Nayeon had her face propped up on her fist, watching Mark. She smiled when she finally caught his eye.

“You sure you’re not friends?”

“Huh?” Mark asked. Nayeon shook her head.

“Changkyun usually has to cry to get Jaebum to even look at him,” she said. “He loves him, don’t get me wrong, but he always acts like he’s got an image to maintain.”

“Oh,” Mark said, looking over her shoulder at Jaebum. He had Changkyun in his arms now and was spinning him in a slow circle. He stopped when he noticed Mark looking at him, cheeks flushed red before he set Changkyun down.

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say he’s trying to impress someone,” she said offhandedly. “I’ve seen the kid eat his own boogers, so I’m pretty sure it’s not me.”

The implication made Mark feel like he was going to pass out. Nayeon gave him a look that was a little too knowing before she stood up and clapped her hands.

“Okay, that’s enough little monster,” she said, causing Changkyun to throw his head back and whine. “Say goodbye to hyung so he can leave.”

“Are you kicking me out?” Jaebum asked.

Nayeon laughed. “Of course I am. Not get!”

She swatted at his butt, causing him to turn red and shove lightly at her shoulder. Mark stood up, lingering awkwardly by the table while Jaebum walked past him, grumbling under his breath.

“I’m going to the car,” he said, and the door slammed shut behind him.

“Hey, Mark,” Nayeon called, finally able to wrestle Changkyun into her arms to keep him still. “Think about what I said, yeah?”

“I…okay,” he said, feeling like she wouldn’t give him much of a choice.

“Don’t hurt him,” she added then, so soft that he almost missed it. “_Please_.”

Mark nodded numbly and stumbled outside to Jaebum’s car. He buckled himself in robotically, but Jaebum didn’t pull away from the curb.

Their eyes met and Mark felt like he’d been struck by lightning. He couldn’t put a name to the look on Jaebum’s face, but it made him feel a rush of emotion that could only be described as _want_.

Maybe, a small part of his mind piped up, his crush on Jaebum was bigger than he originally thought.

His eyes drifted down past Jaebum’s fierce eyes to his sharp nose, and then, further down to his mouth. Mark felt like some kind of pervert the long he looked at those lips and tried to imagine them against his own.

“What’s it like?” he asked before he could stop and think.

“What?” Jaebum asked, understandably confused. Mark gathered up his courage.

“Kissing a boy,” he said, staring at Jaebum’s mouth, damn near terrified. “What’s it like?”

He watched Jaebum tap his fingers against the steering wheel.

“Like kissing a girl,” he answered gruffly.

Mark laughed humorlessly. “I wouldn’t know.”

Jaebum smirked a bit. “Never kissed a girl?”

“Never kissed anyone,” Mark corrected. “Shit, sorry. That was weird. Forget I said anything.”

“You really wanna know?”

“I…” Mark trailed off, tongue feeling three sizes too big for his mouth. “I don’t know.”

Jaebum shrugged and put the car into gear.

“Let me know when you figure it out.”

It took Mark an embarrassingly long amount of time to realize Jaebum was basically offering to be Mark’s first kiss.

_Oh, shit_.

“You don’t owe us anything, you know.”

Junmyeon frowned as he looked between two identical boxes of cereal.

“Do you still eat Cheerios?” he asked.

Mark groaned and leaned against the shopping cart.

“You’re ignoring me.”

“You’re saying things that deserve to be ignored,” Junmyeon murmured, tossing a box of Cheerios into the cart. “If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be.”

Mark shrugged, looking off at the oatmeal selection.

“I thought you would’ve moved on.”

“Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting,” Junmyeon pointed out. “Jess needs me. _You_ need me.”

“We don’t need anybody,” Mark retorted waspishly.

Junmyeon’s expression didn’t change when he said: “Kris would’ve wanted me to take care of you.”

“Kris,” God, why did it hurt so much to say something as simple as a _name_? “Kris is _dead_. We can’t assume what he would’ve wanted.”

“You still blame yourself.”

“Why are we talking about this?” Mark asked, throwing his hands up. “I don’t want to talk about this!”

“I was your brother’s best friend,” Junmyeon said then, stepping around Mark to begin pushing the cart. “I have a responsibility to his family.”

“Responsibility,” Mark spat, hating how the word felt on his tongue. “Are you forgetting that family is the reason why he’s gone?”

“Stop it, Mark,” Junmyeon said, voice taking on a sharp tone that made Mark wilt. He’d never spoken to him like that. Every word out of his mouth was like honey. Kris used to complain about it, saying that Junmyeon would only roast him, but treated Mark like he was a little prince.

For a moment, he felt a sick sense of satisfaction. Maybe he finally broke Junmyeon. Maybe he finally got him to feel the same anger Mark felt for the past year.

Mark’s eyes burned with tears. He wrapped his arm around himself and Junmyeon sighed, leaning against the cart.

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

“Mark, I’m _sorry_,” Junmyeon sounded desperate then. Mark could feel his nose running and sniffled in a poor attempt to keep his composure.

“Can we go now, hyung?” he asked. He felt like a child who wasn’t in control of their emotions, like he was about to throw a temper tantrum right in the middle of the store.

Junmyeon forked over his keys. “Wait in the car. I’ll finish up here.”

Mark snatched the keys and stomped off. Junmyeon joined him half an hour later, and Mark closed his eyes and pretended to sleep that that he wouldn't try to talk to him. When Junmyeon pulled up in front of his house, Mark hopped out and pushed the gate open.

“Hey,” Jess said when he threw the door open. Mark ignored her, eager to escape into his room. “Uh, okay.”

“He’s…he’s having a bad day, okay?” Junmyeon said then quietly. Mark stopped, hovering behind the corner of the hall, watching as Junmyeon squeezed Jess’s arm.

“Does he still—”

“You know he does, Jess,” he said. “He’s just a kid, goddamn it. He shouldn’t have those thoughts.”

“I needed to get him out of there,” Jess whispered back. “If he stayed, it would’ve been worse.”

“I know,” Junmyeon said. He raked his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“You think I do?” Jess shot back. “Kris was the one who held us together. I’m useless without him.”

“You’re not,” Junmyeon argued. “Look what you did for Mark.”

“I had to,” Jess said, her voice cracking in a way Mark hadn’t heard in a while. “He’s my baby brother.”

Mark swallowed roughly, turning around and heading to his room. He didn’t want to hear them talk about him anymore. He didn’t want them to talk about _Kris_ anymore.

It was far too easy to strip down to his boxers and shirt before he huddled under the covers. He didn’t cry, choosing instead to squeeze his eyes shut and force himself to sleep, but he thought he might when he saw Kris’s face flash in his mind.

_“You’re going to Korea?” Mark asked, furrowing his eyebrows._

_Kris shrugged, sipping at his coffee. “Maybe. If I get into SNU. Junmyeon’s got connections over there. Might be able to get me a job after college.”_

_Mark twisted his fingers together, the words swimming around in his head until he swore they were making him dizzy._

_“Don’t go,” he said, and felt his eyes pool with tears. “Please don’t leave.”_

_He figured it was alright that he cried. It didn’t matter that he swore up and down that he was a big boy now, one who didn’t need to hold his mother’s hand when he crossed the street or get piggyback rides from Kris or Jess anymore. He was six, starting first grade in the fall, but there was a possibility his big brother was going to leave. _

_That was something Mark was sure he could be sad about._

_“Oh, Markie,” Kris cooed, scooping him up. Mark buried his face into Kris’s shoulder, the soft fabric of his shirt causing him to wrinkle his nose. “I won’t leave you, okay? Don’t cry, hm? I’m not going anywhere.”_

_“Promise?” Mark sniffled._

_“Yes, Markie. I promise.”_

_There was movement behind him, then, and Mark lifted his head to see Jess hovering by the stairs._

_“You told him?” she asked, voice soft. She walked forward to pet the back of Mark’s head. “Shh, baby. Our big brother’s not going anywhere, okay?”_

_“Okay,” Mark said, and screeched out a laugh when his siblings began tickling him._

Mark’s eyes snapped open. Kris never ended up going to Korea, in the end. Mark always wondered if it was because of him, but his brother swore it was because he didn’t want the hassle of learning another language.

_Besides_, he’d said once_, all I have out there is Junmyeon. I think we’d strangle each other if we spent more than a week together._

It was unfair, Mark thought. Kris had so much potential. But then the family business failed, and he took it upon himself as the eldest child to help their parents. He dropped out of college and started working at a convenience store instead of solving calculus problems. He wanted to be an engineer.

When their parents got back on their feet, Kris would return to school. That was the plan. But things didn’t work out that way.

And now, Kris would never get a chance to chase after his dream.

Mark felt like shit.

Everyone was too loud, but that was fast food for you. Jackson was screeching orders, Bambam was rushing around like a chicken without a head, and Jaebum looked unfairly calm. Even as a customer screamed in his face when he didn’t accept an expired coupon.

“Sir,” Jaebum began again. “I can’t accept that coupon. It expired two years ago.”

“But what happened to the customer is always right?” The man shouted back, waving the coupon around like he was going to give someone a nasty paper cut.

Mark groaned, worrying that he might have an aneurysm with the way the night was going. This McSucked. It had to be really bad if it meant he was adopting Jackson’s annoying habit of adding _Mc_ to everything, as if that would suddenly make every joke that came out of his mouth a thousand times funnier.

Mark was at his wit’s end. Really. He was going to explode, and then whoever was on clean-up duty tonight would have to scrub pieces of him off the walls. He was in the middle of conjuring up a rather grisly sight when someone grabbed him by the elbow.

“Um,” he said intelligently, blinking rapidly at the back of Jaebum’s head. “What are you doing?”

“We’re breaking out, buddy,” Jaebum said, crouching. “Watch your six, boss man’s on the prowl.”

“He—I’m sorry, _what_?”

“You’re gonna give up our position comrade,” Jaebum said, standing up straight. “Do you want your freedom? Yes or no!”

“Uh,” Mark’s words failed him yet again, and he found himself lost in the brightness of Jaebum’s eyes. This was…different. Good different, obviously. “Yes, sir?”

“Affirmative,” Jaebum said. “Let’s move!”

He shoved Mark through the break room door. They barely had time to collect their things before Jaebum dragged him down to the employee exit.

“Hey, where the hell is Tuan? Im?!” Mark could hear their manager yell, heart leaping up into his throat at the sound.

The door shut behind them with a satisfying click. Jaebum broke out into maniacal laughter. Mark stared at him, bewildered, before he felt himself crack a grin. Soon, they were laughing like a pair of lunatics.

“Thanks,” Mark said. “I thought I was going to die in there.”

“I could tell,” Jaebum said, leaning against the building. He jerked his chin towards his car. “Need a ride home?”

Mark shook his head slowly. Jaebum shrugged.

“Okay. See you tomorrow,” he said, giving Mark a two-fingered salute before he began to walk away to his car.

Panic gripped Mark’s heart tightly.

“Wait!”

This time, Jaebum turned to face him. He didn’t look annoyed, more curious than anything.

“Where are you going?”

“Don’t know,” Jaebum said, clicking his tongue. “Anywhere but here.”

Mark dug his fingernails into his palm, mustering up the courage he knew was deep down inside him. Somewhere. In a dark corner that he didn’t visit as much as he probably should.

“Can I come with you?”

There. He said it. He watched Jaebum’s expression flicker through at least four emotions before he nodded once.

“Sure. Whatever. C’mon,” he was back to grumbling, but Mark could tell there was something different about him now. He wasn’t the same Im Jaebum who made Mark want to melt into the floor to get away from his glare.

He was…softer. He thought of the playful Jaebum he’d seen only mere moments ago and had to bite his cheek to hold back another smile.

“What?”

“Nothing,” Mark said easily. He gestured towards the steering wheel. “Lead the way, boss man.”

“Ugh,” Jaebum groaned. “Don’t call me that.”

Jaebum drove them to an outlook on the outskirts of town. Mark sat up straight in his seat, eyes glued to the scene in front of him. Here, the city looked so tiny, nothing more than a bunch of flashing lights.

“Place number three?” he asked, breathless.

“Place number three,” Jaebum confirmed. “I, uh, come here to get away. Not many people drive out this far.”

“It’s nice. Quiet.”

“Yeah.”

Silence fell between them. Jaebum was tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in an agitated rhythm.

“Hey, Mark.” He waited for Mark to look at him before he continued. “You remember what I said? About, uh…”

“Kissing me?” Mark wasn’t sure if that was it, but he figured that would be the only thing Jaebum would have difficultly talking about.

“Yeah, that,” Jaebum said. “I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t mean it. You’re not even gay. I didn’t realize how weird that came off.”

Mark sucked in a breath.

“I could be.”

“Could be what?”

“Gay,” Mark said, meeting his eye. “I mean, I haven’t figured it out yet. I’ve had crushes on people, boys and girls, but I never acted on it. So it’s not like I know what I want.”

“Oh,” Jaebum said, voice small.

The air felt like it was charged with electricity. Mark swore he could hear it crackling between them, and the tension made his stomach swoop. What the hell were they doing? What was _happening_?

“Do you want to kiss me?” He didn’t know why he sounded so confident when his heart was beating so hard Mark thought it’d leap right out from his chest.

Jaebum shifted. “Sometimes.”

“Like now?”

“If you want me to.”

Oh, god. There it was. The point of no return. Mark dug his fingers into his thighs, the pain grounding him.

“You said kissing a boy was like kissing a girl.”

“It’s not, not really. It’s different.”

“How different?”

“I don’t know, Mark.” Jaebum’s voice sounded tight.

“…Show me.”

“What?”

Mark nodded to himself, twisting in his seat to face Jaebum. There was close enough that Mark could smell him. Beneath the grease and fat, he smelled like mint. His car did, too, now that Mark thought about it.

“Do you like me?” he asked. He watched Jaebum’s Adam’s apple bob as he swallowed.

“Enough.”

“Enough to kiss me?”

“Yeah,” Jaebum admitted, voice rough. “Enough to kiss you.”

Oh, god. Oh, dear _god_.

“Okay,” Mark finally said. “Filing that away for later.”

Jaebum snorted. “We’re graduating soon. It would be kinda dumb to get into something serious.”

Mark picked at his nails, wishing he was an ant or something so that he could crawl away. And not speak, because apparently all he knew was how to dig himself into holes too deep to get out of.

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Mark said.

“Why, because you’re experimenting?”

“No,” Mark rushed to say. “Because, um, it’s up to you.”

Jaebum gave him a dark look.

“You’re the one who knows what he’s doing,” Mark continued.

“So?”

“So.” Mark wanted to die. Or cry. Maybe both. “Teach me.”

It sounded dirty, somehow, and Mark wished he could bottle up the words and take them back. There was an unreadable expression on Jaebum’s face.

“I’m taking you home.”

Mark nodded, feeling like a fucking idiot. He’d never been happier to see his house, and barely managed to say goodbye to Jaebum before he rushed inside.

Jess wasn’t around, probably on one of her dates, so Mark shuffled to his room to take a long shower. Maybe drown himself in there while he was at it. (He didn’t.)

Dressed in pajamas and snuggled up to his chin with blankets, Mark felt less like he should off himself. He was still embarrassed, obviously, but that came with the territory of being Mark Tuan.

He didn’t remember closing his eyes, but they snapped open when the ping of rocks against his window sounded. Mark considered pretending to be asleep to ignore it. Jackson would eventually get tired of waiting, he reasoned, because there was a certain impatience he had when he had a desire and had to wait to fulfil it. It had to be Jackson, after all. No one else would chose to annoy the literal crap out of him at—four?—four in the morning. Not even Bambam, who was Jackson’s sidekick. Or something.

Mark stared up at his ceiling fan, or at least where he thought it was. His room was pitch black, the way it had to be in order for him to sleep. Complete silence, complete darkness.

Kris used to tell him he was like a vampire.

When the rhythm of the rocks hitting glass became more insistent, Mark squeezed his eyes shut. It was a terrible idea, though, because seconds later he was yanking his curtains aside and peering outside, mouth open to scream his head off at Jackson.

But it wasn’t Jackson standing outside his window. Jaebum lowered his hand to his side, the rocks in his palm falling back down to the ground.

The window squeaked when Mark hefted it up, but he wasn’t afraid Jess would hear. She slept like the dead, especially on the nights where she went on dates.

“What are you doing here?”

Jaebum squinted at him. “I just thought of something.”

“Um, okay.” Mark shifted his weight. “You wanna come in?”

Jaebum shrugged, so Mark stepped aside to let him crawl in. He landed on the floor with a thud that had Mark visibly wincing.

“Hi,” Mark said quietly when Jaebum stood up straight, hating how his voice cracked on the word. Jaebum looked him over in one sweep, wrinkling his nose.

“Hey.” His eyes roamed around Mark’s room, landing on the Nirvana poster plastered against the back of the door. “Cool place.”

“Jaebum?”

“Hm?”

“What are you doing here?”

A beat of silence passed between them. And then, another. Mark thought he might vomit, which would be just about the worst thing to do.

“Did you mean it?”

He didn’t mean to jump, but it was hard not to. Jaebum’s voice had a low, gritty quality to it. Maybe due to the time or night, maybe due to something else. Mark picked at his nails, scraping away invisible pieces of dirt.

“Did I mean…?”

“That I could fuck around with you it wouldn’t mean anything.”

Mark winced at the crass words that Jaebum spoke as if he were describing the weather.

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know _what_?”

Jaebum’s eyes were boring holes through the side of his skull, and he was too much of a coward to turn and face him head on. Not looking at Jaebum gave him a false sense of security, made the words that he feared he would choke on tumble out.

“I just…don’t know.”

“You remember what I said?”

“Yeah,” Mark said hollowly. “You like me enough to kiss me. Right?”

Jaebum snorted out a laugh. He fumbled around in the dark until he found Mark’s bed, plopping himself onto the edge like he belonged there.

It felt like swallowing acid, the words burning his tongue as if it’d been set on fire. Jaebum hummed, a small, pleased sound in the back of his throat, and Mark had never felt more uncomfortable in his own room before.

“Come here.”

Mark shuffled forward. Jaebum dragged his hand to pull him down onto the bed next to him. Mark’s heart was pounding like there was a goddamn drummer in his chest.

“First kisses are special, I guess,” Jaebum began slowly. “They don’t feel any different from second or third kisses, honestly, but it’s a milestone.”

“Was yours special?”

“I was drunk and horny. You figure it out.”

Mark stifled a laugh. “It doesn’t matter to me, I think. If it’s special or not.”

Jaebum groaned.

“I don’t want to be your first kiss.”

“Yeah?”

“It’ll mean something, wouldn’t it? I feel like I’m stealing something from you.”

“You’re not taking my vir—”

“I know,” Jaebum cut him off impatiently, sounding embarrassed. “I know. I just. Fuck.”

“It doesn’t have to mean anything,” Mark said, filled with false bravado yet again. “Just pretend you’re not my first.”

“You…” Jaebum trailed off, propping himself up on one elbow so that he could look down at Mark’s face. “Shit, Mark.”

He sounded gone, and Mark swore his stomach burst into flames at the sound. He wiggled in his spot, feeling sweat pooling along his hairline. Which, wow. _So_ attractive.

“Tell me to stop,” Jaebum said, his face inching closer. “And I will.”

“I won’t,” Mark said, and Jaebum kissed the words away.

There weren’t fireworks. No flashing colors or butterflies in his stomach. But there _were_ lips against his own. Jaebum moved with confidence, like he knew what he wanted, and Mark envied him, just for a moment.

There was a hand on his jaw, grounding him, and another curled in his hair. A light tug, and then he was spilling a moan into Jaebum’s mouth that was far too obscene for a goddamn _kiss_.

Jaebum broke away, blinking at him owlishly. Mark resisted the urge to cover his face with his pillow.

“Jesus,” he heard Jaebum swear under his breath. “So. What’s the verdict?”

“Do you have to ask?” Mark grumbled. He glared up at the ceiling. “I liked it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Mark said, tugging at the hem of his shirt. “Enough to do it again.”

“Well, you do that,” Jaebum said, patting Mark’s stomach.

“With you?”

“With whoever you want,” Jaebum corrected. Mark almost told him that it was _Jaebum_ that he wanted, but he wasn’t that bold. Not really. Only when his brain ran off and did its own thing without his permission.

“You haven’t done _anything_, have you?” Jaebum asked, stressing that one word. The implication weighed heavily on Mark’s mind.

“Virgin in every sense of the word.”

“Not with kisses.”

“No, not with kisses.” He took a breath. “Do you feel sorry for me?”

“What?” Jaebum scrunched his face up. “No.”

“Then why’d you even agree?”

“You’re hot,” Jaebum said, easy as anything.

“Ah,” Mark rolled onto his stomach, burying his face into the mattress. “Thanks?”

“What the hell,” Jaebum muttered, wheezing out a laugh. “You’re welcome.”

“So…that’s it? That’s what kissing’s all about?”

“Sorry to disappoint.”

“I’m not disappointed,” Mark insisted. “Seriously. That was good.”

“Good,” Jaebum said, nodding. He smirked a bit. “You sounded like you enjoyed yourself.”

“We…are not talking about that.”

“Whatever you say,” Jaebum said, shrugging. “Hey, look. I taught you how to kiss. You’re unstoppable now, Tuan.”

“What’s next?”

Jaebum snorted. “You’re not ready for that.”

“Okay. Well. Let me know when I am.”

“Uh, yeah, sure, okay,” Jaebum said, stammering over the words.

Mark was immensely glad he wasn’t the only one embarrassed as hell.

“Okay, spill.”

Mark glanced away from his phone for half a second before returning to the rather addicting world of Candy Crush.

“What, exactly, am I spilling?”

“You ran off with Jaebum-hyung the other day,” Bambam said, waving his arms around.

“A move that got you fired, by the way,” Jackson piped up from his bed, attempting to throw his pillow in the air and catch it between his thighs. “Did he like, hypnotize you or something?”

“Shut up,” Mark said. He took a moment to mourn the loss of his job before he remembered how working at that place made him want to set himself on fire. “We were doing project stuff.”

“And that couldn’t wait until after work?” Bambam pressed. Mark shrugged.

“Would’ve been too late,” he said. “Which, speaking of, did you guys start yet?”

“Obviously,” Jackson crowed. “We started the day Ms. Kim announced the project.”

“…So that’s a no.”

“Damn he’s good,” Jackson grumbled. He kicked his legs in frustration. “I don’t get what the point of this is. It’s dumb!”

“Dumb _dumb_,” Bambam agreed solemnly. “I guess you and Jaebum-hyung started, huh?”

“We have two more places,” Mark said.

“Huh?!” Jackson shot up. “What the hell, hyung?”

“Not all of us wait until the last minute,” Mark said snobbishly, grinning when Jackson looked like he was going to throw a fit.

They let him go far too easily, really. Mark expected an endless round of questioning, like they were hounds who smelled fresh blood. And he was some poor chap who got his hand chopped off and was left to bleed out in the woods.

He walked home feeling like his head was stuffed with cotton. Maybe he was starting to get sick after all.

He was flipping lazily through his math book, glancing over the set of homework problems he couldn’t stand the thought of completing, when his phone buzzed.

-**_lessons start whenever you want_**

He recognized when he was being taunted and flushed when his own words came back to him. _Teach __me_. God. What an idiot. Mark chewed at his lip. It was easy to be brave when Jaebum wasn’t around to stare him down.

_-what about now, teacher?_

_-**calm down, virgin-boy**_

Mark swallowed back a laugh. He played with his fingers, trying to formulate a response.

_-I was kidding. Kinda_

_-**I wasn’t**_

Oh. Well.

**-_place 4 this weekend_**

-_we’re flying through this project_

_-**only because of me**_

Mark thought, yet again, that he liked this side of Jaebum. In a different world, maybe they would’ve been friends from the beginning. Hell, maybe Jaebum would’ve liked him the way Mark wished he would.

It was a dangerous line of thought, one he probably shouldn’t be entertaining. He shoved his phone under his bed and screamed. Just once, enough to let the stress out.

The weekend came by too quickly. Mark fidgeted, watching as Jess peeked out of the curtains across the street.

“I’ve seen him before,” she said, tapping a finger to her lip. “He’s a friend of yours, right?”

“Uh, yeah,” Mark said, because the truth would scar his poor sister for life. “Something like that.”

Jess was confused, obviously, but Mark didn’t stick around to explain. Jaebum rung the doorbell and Mark ran out like the house was on fire.

“Hey,” Jaebum drawled, blinking rapidly.

“Hey. Hi. Let’s go. Now, preferably.”

“O-kay,” Jaebum said. For once, he was the one being tugged along.

They were back in his car. It smelled like mint again. Mark tugged at his hoodie sleeves, grinding his teeth to stop them from chattering. Jaebum drove them the park. Mark stared at the abandoned swings and rusted slides.

“I had my first kiss here.”

“The drunk and horny one?”

“Yeah. That one.”

“…It was special, wasn’t it?”

There was a look on Jaebum’s face, like he was far, far away from this very moment.

“Helped me figure out I was gay.”

“That bad?”

“That _good_.”

“Ah,” Mark breathed out. “What happened to him?”

“Homophobic parents,” Jaebum said. “I came out to my mom the same night.”

“What’d she say?”

“That it didn’t matter as long as I was good,” Jaebum answered, and Mark decided that sounded very much like something Ms. Im would say. “His mom said he was lucky his dad wasn’t around.”

“That’s…”

“Fucked? Yeah.” Jaebum leaned back in his seat. “How long have you been…?”

“Having a sexuality crisis?” Mark helpfully supplied. “I don’t know. A while.”

“Who did it for you?”

“Hard to pinpoint,” Mark replied. “I didn’t really question it before you.”

“I’m drunk,” Jaebum said then.

“What?”

“I want things I can’t have when I’m drunk.”

“Lesson time, Teach?” Mark’s voice shook as he said the words.

Jaebum leaned closer to him, the seat squeaking beneath him as he did.

“You ever jerk off, Mark?”

“Once.”

It sucked. He was fourteen and used Jess’s Bath and Body Works lotion because he would sooner die than root around in Kris’s room for lube. That was something he never wanted to think about his brother.

So, anyway, it’d been too rough, too much of the shitty kind of friction. He was horribly confused and eventually got sick of it and yanked his hand off his dick. He scrubbed his hands until his knuckles cracked, but even then he swore the scent of Japanese cherry blossoms was taunting him.

“Don’t say anything,” Jaebum said then, and reached into the dashboard for something. It was a tiny bottle that Mark could barely make out in the dark.

“You’re prepared.”

“I was a Boy Scout.”

“You were _not_,” Mark said, unwilling and unable to believe it. Jaebum held his hand up.

“Scout’s honor,” he said, and then wrinkled his nose. “Ew. Icky.”

“You sound like Nayeon.”

“Don’t talk about my cousin when I’m about to touch your dick.”

“…You’re gonna touch my dick?”

“Lesson of the day,” Jaebum said, his voice a low rumble. “Love yourself.”

Jaebum was watching him, and it took Mark a minute to realize he was giving him time to back-out. It was sweet, in a weird kind of way, but Mark didn’t want to. Not when Jaebum was close enough that there were breathing the same air, not when there was _lube_, not when his dick was starting to chub up in his pants.

Jaebum kissed him. Hard. Not like the first kiss. Different, but good. Mark didn’t moan this time and felt like a real champ about it. He expected Jaebum to dive right in for his pants, but he didn’t. Probably because he wasn’t a virgin and knew how to actually do this shit.

“I’m gonna—”

“Yeah,” Mark cut him off, nodding. “Go for it.”

“Go for it,” Jaebum echoed. “Jesus Christ.”

His hand snaked its way down Mark’s stomach, sliding up the hem to press against his bare skin.

“You can back out any time, virgin-boy.”

Mark wrinkled his nose. “Oh, god. Your dirty talk needs work.”

“If I was dirty talking, you’d know,” Jaebum retorted, and then his fingers were curling around the button of Mark’s jeans.

And then he was undoing them, working them down his hips so that he didn’t have to strain to reach inside. Mark held his breath without meaning to, only exhaling when his head began to swim and he saw a whole bunch of rainbows in front of him.

Jaebum ghosted his fingers over Mark’s crotch and laughed a bit.

“You’re hard.”

“Am I not supposed to be?”

“Nah,” Jaebum said, flashing a smile full of teeth. “Hard’s good.”

There was the click of the lube bottle being opened. Mark shut his eyes and tried to do some meditation exercises. His therapist had taught them to him, back when he actually tried to take care of his mental health. Probably didn’t intend for Mark to use it for such _nefarious_ purposes but. Well. That was life.

“Okay?”

“Just, go. Stop asking.”

“Consent is sexy,” Jaebum said, sounding affronted, but then Mark’s boxers were being rolled down and…and Jaebum’s _hand was on him_.

His grip was loose, like he was testing the waters. Mark felt like his mind was breaking apart and piecing back together at an alarmingly fast rate.

“First time I jacked off, I went too soft,” Jaebum said conversationally. “Second time was better.”

“Y-Yeah?” Mark stammered, the blood in his body torn between rushing to his cheeks and down to his dick.

“Sometimes you gotta go soft, though,” Jaebum said, slowly sliding his hand up and down. His touch was feather-light, and Mark wondered if he was imaging Jaebum touching him. It would be possible, with the amount of time he’s had to pine after him.

“Other times,” Jaebum said, tightening his grip. “It’s okay to go hard. Depends on what you like.”

“W-What do you like?”

“Whatever gets me off,” Jaebum answered. It was unfair how collected he sounded.

“Ah, god,” Mark whispered, arching into the tight circle of Jaebum’s hand. It was good. Slick. Warm. The friction was right, and Mark didn’t know how to feel about the fact that Jaebum was touching him better than he touched himself.

“You gonna come?”

“I’m not that much of a virgin.”

“Right,” Jaebum said placatingly. “You’ve kissed. Basically half a virgin now.”

“I, uh, yeah,” Mark said, the words tumbling out. He reached forward to grab onto Jaebum’s shoulder. Probably shouldn’t have, but it was grounding him. He liked feeling the firmness of Jaebum’s body. Or something.

The pace of Jaebum’s hand increased slightly and Mark careened forward, whining low in the back of his throat.

“Gotcha,” Jaebum said, like he was catching Pokémon instead of jerking Mark off.

“Jesus, fuck,” Mark said, opening his eyes enough to glare at Jaebum. “Don’t you dare make a shitty joke about that.”

“Wasn’t gonna,” Jaebum said, pressing his thumb to the sensitive spot beneath his cockhead that Mark didn’t even know was sensitive. Interesting.

There was something brewing in his stomach. Something like liquid heat. Like lava bubbling in a volcano. Mark’s throat felt raw from the panting. Jaebum’s grip became firmer, surer. It made Mark’s toes curl in his shoes.

And then there was a rubber band snapping somewhere inside him, and he was spilling hot over Jaebum’s fist. Jaebum worked him until Mark batted his hands away, oversensitive and almost about to cry. Which was embarrassing as shit, really.

“At least that wasn’t your first orgasm.”

“…”

“No,” Jaebum sat back so quickly Mark heard his head slam against the window. “You said you jerked off before!”

“Never said I came,” Mark said, tucking himself away. “That. I. Um.”

“Jesus,” Jaebum swore again. He rooted around the dashboard for a napkin. “You’re killing me, Tuan.”

“In a good way?”

“Maybe.”

“Remember that whole spiel you had about feelings?”

“Yeah, mostly.”

“…I think I caught them.”

“Oh, shit,” Jaebum groaned, loud and dramatic. “I told you. I fucking told you.”

“I already liked you,” Mark said.

“Liked me.”

“That’s what I said, you putz.”

“Don’t call me a putz. I don’t know what that fucking means.”

There was something about this that felt safe. Familiar. Safe enough that Mark curled his knees to his chest and buried his face in them before he said:

“My brother’s name was Kris.”

“Kris,” Jaebum echoed, testing the name out. “Were you close?”

“Yeah,” Mark answered. “All of us. Him, Jess, and me. A real power trio.”

“What happened?”

“He died.” A breath. “I killed him.”

Jaebum looked startled, but Mark continued on.

“I was sixteen. Stayed out too late at the library. I missed the last bus and it was too late to walk home. I left my Metro card at home. So I called Kris.”

He bit at his cheek hard enough to hurt. The pain helped, sometimes. Helped him forget. Helped him feel strong.

“He picked me up and it was fine. But I was panicking because I was still scared. I was acting like a goddamn baby, but Kris didn’t yell at me. He tried to calm me down, and he got so distracted he accidentally ran a red light.”

Mark shuddered, sucking in a deep breath.

“He didn’t see the truck. Not until it was too late. He got crushed, you know. I kept telling him it should’ve been me and that I was sorry. He said he loved me like he knew he was going to die. And then he _did_.”

He hasn’t said all of it loud like that. Not for a while. Not since he and Jess arrived in Korea and met up with Junmyeon, who didn’t know that Kris was dead until Mark broke down on his front steps. He thought they were here to visit. He didn’t realize they were starting over.

“Holy shit,” Jaebum said, the words sounding like they were ripped from his chest. “It wasn’t your fault, Mark. You know that, right?”

“Sometimes. Sometimes not.”

“Fuck.”

“My mom blamed me for it,” he said. “My dad was too scared to go against her. Jess was the only one who didn’t hate me. Kris’s best friend moved to Korea when they were in college, so Jess called him up and said we were coming over.”

“Did you—”

“Tell him? No. Jess did.”

“I’m sorry, Mark.”

“Junmyeon-hyung says that all the time,” Mark said. “He feels like he owes us something now. Like he’s gotta be Kris for us.”

He blinked at the darkness, searching for Jaebum’s form.

“Shit. This isn’t how post-coital is supposed to go, is it?”

“My dad had cancer,” Jaebum said. “Bone marrow. He lasted a year, tops.”

“Do you blame yourself?”

“It wasn’t my fault,” Jaebum said. “It wasn’t anybody’s. Mom said he had bad luck. We blamed it on that.”

“Sounds like it worked.”

“For a while.” Jaebum shook his head. “I came out to him after his last round of chemo. He said he was proud of me, and that he’d put anyone who wasn’t in their place. He died a week later.”

“We both lost someone.”

“Yeah. Fucked thing to have in common.”

“Very fucked,” Mark agreed.

“I think I kinda like you.”

It sounded awfully like a confession. Mark let himself believe it was.

“Thanks, I think.”

“Mark?”

He lingered in the doorway to Jess’s room, wringing his fingers. Jaebum dropped him off an hour ago, and he’d spent half of that time hovering outside of his sister’s door like some kind of creep.

“Hi.”

“Hi,” she whispered back. She sat up and flicked her lamp on. “What’s wrong, baby?”

She knew. She knew he was going to fall into a million and one pieces right in front of her.

“How come you never hated me?”

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because of Kris.”

“Come here,” Jess said with a sigh. Mark plopped himself onto the edge of her bed and let her pull him into the circle of her arms. “You’re an idiot.”

“I’m serious, Jess.”

“So am I. Mom and Dad didn’t handle it right,” she said. “I knew I had to protect you. From them. From everyone.”

“Is that why you took me with you?”

“Yeah. Also because I didn’t want to leave you behind,” she said, tweaking his nose. “You’re my little baby.”

He puffed his cheeks out and pressed his nose into her shoulder. Jess ran a hand up and down his back.

“I kissed a boy, Jess.”

Her hand stilled for a second. “The one who keeps coming by?”

He inhaled sharply. “You knew?”

“No.” She giggled. “Had a feeling, I think.”

“You still don’t hate me?”

“No, Mark,” she said patiently. “I don’t think I’m capable of hating you.”

His eyes burned. “I love you.”

“I know,” she said, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. Mark felt her arms shaking around him. “Kris does too.”

“…I know.”

“Good,” she whispered, brushing his bangs back.

Jess invited Junmyeon over for dinner the next night. The ate together like they were family. Mark listened to Junmyeon tells stories about Kris in college, stories about his straight-laced brother getting so drunk he fell asleep in the library thinking it was his dorm.

“He bought me cigarettes when I was fifteen,” Mark said, scrunching his nose.

“What?” Junmyeon squeaked, while Jess raised an eyebrow. Mark shrugged.

“He made me smoke it in front of him. I said it was gross and he said ‘Good. Now you’ll never touch them again.’”

“God,” Jess said with a laugh. “That sounds exactly like the shit he’d do. Did Mom and Dad know?”

“Nah. He said they’d kill him.”

“Probably would’ve,” Jess agreed.

“I’m still gonna blame myself,” Mark said then. He could feel Jess and Junmyeon watching him. “It’s gonna take a while to break that habit. But I’ll try.”

“Oh,” Junmyeon exhaled, reaching across the table for his hand.

Jess quickly followed suit, and Mark pressed his forehead to the table and cried.

It felt good this time. Cathartic.

Mark picked the last and fifth place for their project.

Im Jaebum was standing in the middle of his room, looking terribly out of place. He kept looking back at the very window Mark had allowed him to climb through at four in the morning like it was going to bite him.

“It’s not about the place,” Mark explained. “It’s about the experience.”

“Experience?”

“You took my kiss-virginity here,” he said. “It was kinda special.”

“Worthy of a first?”

“Yeah,” Mark said, feeling so, so warm. “We’re not putting that in the project, right?”

“Oh hell no,” Jaebum said. “I’ll never be able to look Ms. Kim in the eye again. We’ll just bullshit something.”

“Okay,” Mark said easily, and then he tugged Jaebum down so he was hovering over him. “Hey, not-friend.”

“Not-friend,” Jaebum said with an eyeroll. “Are you ever going to let that go?”

“Maybe. Probably not.”

“You’re insufferable,” Jaebum huffed, but he pressed his lips to Mark’s forehead before he rolled off him. “Changkyun wants to see you.”

“He’s a good kid.”

“I told Nayeon about…this.”

“Spared her the down and dirty details, right?”

“Of course,” Jaebum said with a shudder. “She, uh, said thanks.”

“To you?”

“No, idiot,” Jaebum corrected. “To _you_.”

“Ah.”

“People will talk.”

“You don’t care about what people will say, do you?” he asked. It was pointless, though, because Mark already knew Jaebum’s answer. “I don’t.”

“I know.”

“So…what’s the problem?”

“There isn’t one,” Jaebum said, pressing his face into Mark’s arm. “Sleep now, virgin-boy. Talk later.”

“What’re you gonna call me when I’m not a virgin anymore?”

“I, uh,” Jaebum mumbled, the words garbled. “Let’s not do this right now.”

“Later?” Mark offered.

“Sure,” Jaebum said. “We’ve got time.”

Later it was, then.

Mark liked the sound of that.


End file.
